


Losing my mind

by Iamjustlostandconfused



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:35:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29413500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamjustlostandconfused/pseuds/Iamjustlostandconfused
Summary: Actually just messed up shit. Please do not read if you are easily triggered, this is basically just me venting about my problems.





	Losing my mind

My YouTube recommend is now full of music playlists. I like them, the false promise of 'being the main character' is strangely comforting. Whilst the titles mean nothing, it inadvertently gives me hope that in the future I can live that type of life. But for now I'm stuck here, wasting my life away listening to the same list of songs, imagining what life could be like.

Music tells stories which I love to get wrapped up in, tales of lovers, heroes and nights out with friends. It helps to forget the real world. That's another reason I like the playlists, they help me forget. Although I'm not quite sure what I'm forgetting.

Music reminds me of school. Studying I should be doing but won't. It could be so easy to start, to learn and to pay attention in classes but it's too far gone now. I've missed too much of the content to even begin to understand. It's frightening, now I'm in my A-level years and I haven't understood classes for the past 3 months, where in GCSEs I was top of the year. My mum's not happy, I can tell. I could probably do well if I tried but I'm much too tired for that.

Today I went to see my friend, it was cold and we had a picnic. We watched American Horror Story until I had to leave, making my way home for 3:30. From there I went to bed and slept until dinner. Some days I wish I could sleep forever, but late at night I lay in bed and think too hard, knowing I won't sleep tonight. 

I hate to have to try to fall asleep, so I'll sit on my phone for hours upon hours, until I feel as though I can fall asleep quickly. Perhaps I don't want to have to think too much. I was a swimmer (still am) but when we were allowed to go to the pools I was constantly tired. Despite the exhaustion and the complete lack of free time, I was strangely content. I was able to make something of myself and I could improve on me. I had things I was trying to achieve and a goal.

Since I've stopped swimming I've created a strange relationship with food. It was when I wore a bikini and took a picture I realized. Looking at myself I felt ill. Since December I've been trying to limit food, but I'll eat when I get hungry, so I'll go a week starving myself until I ruin it all by eating creme eggs. It's so awful to think about myself, what I could be if I just tried. Oh well, it's exhausting to worry about it anyway.

In year 7 I learnt what self-harm was. I took the blade from a pencil sharpener and I drew it slowly over my shin. I watched the blood emerge and was enthralled. There was something so enrapturing about watching it bubble up. But I stopped soon after. It hurt after all.

It was later on, in year 8 perhaps, when I got my hands on a blade again. I learnt that if you swipe it quickly it doesn't hurt as much, cuts deeper and gives you a nice buzz. I cut my stomach so no one would see when I had my swimming costume on. I stopped soon after again but I still have scars, especially of one that went incredibly deep. A sweet reminder to me.

A couple of days ago I was tidying my room, it seems as though it might be perpetually messy. However, I found a sharpener on the floor and was immediately taken back to year 7. Without thinking much of it I removed the blade. After finishing tidying I washed it and brought it up to my bed. I sliced through my hip, and watched as the blood came up. Soon I was cutting my stomach, just about my private area in quick diagonal motions.

Earlier today I lied in bed and took the blade once more. I sliced and sliced until it looked like skid marks. I know there's no explaining this if someone saw. I don't know what I'd do if someone found out, they'd probably send me to therapy, which seems really strange. You never realize how far you've fallen, because I figure I need to see a therapist. I always thought that people who self harm should probably see a therapist, and yet I am so convinced there is nothing wrong with me.

A lot of my friends had to go to therapy, all for their own problems and I kind of prided myself in the fact I was nuero typical. I guess I was wrong, but part of me feels like I'm faking it for attention, despite the fact I'd never want anyone to see.

I didn't notice, but I've become very apathetic lately. I have meetings with my coach so he can check up on me. He asks me things like what have you done, and how are you feeling. I feel myself floundering at both questions. How do I feel? When I really think about it I wonder if I've been confusing thoughts and emotions, because I find it difficult to remember how I actually feel.

Today at 11:00pm I decided to take a bath. Mostly because of the cuts on my stomach which are bleeding. My water system isn't very good and I have to wait for the water to heat up. I did so and sat in the bath as it began to fill. The hot water ran out quickly as I sat there, cold water beginning to take over. I sit shaking in the cold bath, my only though being 'i could drown myself here and now'. I know I won't, I'm too much of a pussy to actually do anything, but I entertain the idea. It would be ironic for me to drown, bearing in mind I'm a swimmer. However, three times I hold my face underwater, and three times I come up before I inhale any water.

The water gets colder and colder, I'm shivering as I sit there, and I think about my interests. Things I dedicate time too, scouring the internet for content. It makes me sad because most of it is just people. People out there living their lives as I live through them. I have my own life yet I seem so interested in wasting it away.

I eventually think I'm too cold to I climb out of the bath, meeting my eyes in the mirror. I think about how I hate my face, how I should lose weight, and then how my eyes seem dead. They look tired and lifeless. Maybe I should sleep forever then, besides I won't have to eat, which is an added bonus.

It's late and I'm tired, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, or maybe I'll sleep all day. Either way I'll drag myself through it, all in the hope of having the 'main character' lifestyle I dream of. Or maybe just in the hope of being happy.


End file.
